Like the Louisiana Purchase, but With More Dragons

http://www.zazzle.com/emo_holiday_card-137157005617949886

You should probably buy these to send to all your friends and family.

Bear with me for a minute while I share uncomfortable personal information; it’s necessary back story so we can get to the good stuff. Don’t worry, I’ll be brief. Uncomfortable is kind of the name of the game here, anyway- I’m aiming for that sweet spot between Wednesday Addams and ‘There’s Something Wrong With Esther’.

Disclaimer: I do not actually advocate killing your father’s mistress (if he has one), or doing anything to her that could get you arrested, even if it is funny. (Also I don’t actually blame her, she’s a symptom of a larger problem and it was my father’s choice to cheat, but I kind of want to repeatedly bash her in the head with a rock anyway.)

So about six weeks ago my father and mother sat us down, and my dad read us a letter that can be summed up as ‘blah blah blah I love you and this is sad for me too but we’re getting divorced’. This came after about three years of intense family trauma, so it wasn’t too big a surprise. What was a surprise was when, right after he finished, my mother said, “So are you going to tell them about Mary?”

There were double-takes and dropped jaws, it was all very dramatic. And traumatic, but that is not the point so we’ll leave that for a drunk, angsty, breakdown post another day, when I can no longer restrain my inner myspace emokid.

All of which brings me to: at some point, presumably, my sister and I will have to meet Mary. In our customary tactless way, we have turned this into a source of hilarity as we think of ways to handle that. The following are the ideas we (we being me, my sister Izzy, and my fab roommate Caitlin) have come up with:

If she comes to my grandfather’s birthday party and we meet her with the whole family: (the trick with these is to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible without crossing the line to “Girls! Be polite!”. We don’t actually walk that line very well.)

• She walks in, we run toward her: “Mommy! We can call you Mommy right?”
• Whatever her answer, we continue to call her Mommy
• If she doesn’t like it, say things like “Mom… Oh sorry, Mary, I just keep forgetting you’re not my mom, since you both thought you were with my dad at the same time, and you’re both going to die alone. Thanks for that, by the way.” (My mom won’t die alone, this is creative license)
• Or (full credit to Caitlin): “Mom… oh sorry, Mary, I must be thinking Electra complex- I know I want to kill you, I just don’t know why.”
• Alternately, act like we genuinely can’t tell she isn’t our mom. Continue old conversations, talk about her siblings, hug her, fight with her, whatever. If people say anything, act like they’re crazy.
• Later, invite her to sit between us at dinner ‘so we can get to know you better!’ Leave a butcher’s knife on the chair- “Whoops, I keep forgetting these everywhere!” Stick it into my belt. 
• Use loaded words as often as possible: “I was at this affair the other day…” “Mmm! The intercourse between this potato and my mouth is delicious!” “Are you sure you’re full? I don’t want to cheat you!”
• Say terrifying and awkward things while beaming threateningly: “You look so good I could just eat you! But I’m not a cannibal. Ha Ha Ha.” “Aren’t you just the sweetest! I’d like to keep you in a box in my basement forever, and only let you out to poop.” “Your hair looks so great I’d like to scalp you and wear it as a wig!” 

Other ideas:

• Visit them at her house. Right before she goes to sleep start an impromptu game of hide and seek without telling her, and hide under her bed. When she gets in and turns off the light wait a minute, then say “You found me, Mommy!”
• Invite her over for tea to ‘get to know you better!’. When she arrives behave perfectly normally, but get out a full fisher price tea set and carry on a pleasant conversation while pouring imaginary tea into empty cups and bringing out a dish of plastic cookies. Continue to act completely normal while sipping the empty tea cup and ‘nibbling’ at the cookies. (possible alternative: use dead mice as ‘teabags’) (credit to Caitlin for this one too)
• Move in and start playing ‘deadbeat children’ in her house. Have parties, set things on fire, shave her dogs, sleep all day and leave dirty laundry everywhere.
• Leave knives on her pillow while she sleeps, or possibly dead animals. “It was a present Mommy! Don’t you like our presents? We wanted to surprise you when you woke up!”

I’m sure I’m missing a million of these. Suggestions are welcome!